Bank Holiday Monday

wow for the first time in absolutely ages we did family stuff today. Paul and I took the kids down to Broadstairs for the day. I haven't been down there for ages so it was nice to see it hasn't really changed. Also you have to admire us brits. It wasn't the warmest of starts to a day with a bit of wind, yet there they were with their shorts on and tops off playing beach volley, digging holes, SWIMMING(!!) and all having a great time. We enjoyed it too and all had the obligatory ice cream before popping in to see my nan and Stanley. I will def come down again. I love the sea. I always feel a bit drawn to it and love nothing better than walking along the front with the waves crashing. As you're starting to lose light is best as is at night when it's power seems to intensify. I love it, kind of like therapy for me. A sense of space and freedom I guess yet I'm not a great sailor and never wish to be! It dawned on me that if I'm low I take myself off to the waters edge. Maybe I need a beach house to retreat to! My own space! Wow the idea is really appealing....

whilst I'm pondering

I make no apologises for rambling but I wondered when a dream ceases to be just that and could potentially become a premonition? I've had the same dream now for the past 6 or so weeks. Not every night but most. I cant really say at this moment in time what it is but it does point towards a different life. I'm just curious to see what you think

difficult questions

I caught up with a friend yesterday who asked a rather interesting question. 'Can we be happy with just one person in our lives?' On further questionnning I worked out that she was actually talking about her relationship life and not the fact that she only had one friend ha ha! Anyway, I sat on it for a while and then concluded that it was un fair to expect one person (male) in this instance to fufill you in every way. Now dont get excited if you happen to be male and reading this, I'm not suggesting she embarks on swinging or numerous clandestine affairs! I did however say that without my friends to keep me balanced I would not be so easy to live with it.

Looking in to my own relationship with Paul I realised that although I love him very much he is not everything and more to me. Shock, horror, you must divorce I hear some people cry. No that is not the case. I have purely realised that he has flaws (as do we all) but deep down he cares for myself and the children and he works hard to provide for us. For me to sit there and wish he was more open, more demonstrative, more passionate, more loving is simply a waste of my time and energy and will only serve to drive a wedge between us. Contary to popular belief girls we cannot change them and nor should we try!!

So how do I deal with this and remain true to myself and my needs? Well I have a few people close to me who I love dearly and couldn't manage without. They all have slightly different roles to play yet all make me the person I am today. I am not judged by my actions nor ridiculed. They will hold me when I feel life is un bearable and they are there when I need them. In return I try and be that person in their lives and I understand when they need a shoulder or need the space to work out what they really need. True friends of that calibre can help you through your darkest days and should be kept close for you never know when you will need them.

My friend pondered this for a while and i hope went away feeling a bit better about what was troubling her. Our conversation also reminded me that there is always a reason why people are in your life and why events happen and you should never regret getting things out in the open even if you do feel like a fool. If they love you they will understand.........

and waiting

I seemed to disappear on a bit of a random tangent earlier so thought I'd have a double wammy as the house is silent and I feel the need to write. I'm not so patiently waiting to hear back from the editor of the equine magazine that I deliver monthly. I decided that I really wanted to try and get myself back in print a bit more so I wrote an article all about my Shetland pony Alfie-Moon. I'm hoping they didn't all have a good giggle and then file in the bin as the old confidence needs restoring bit before I suffer too many knocks. So I have everything crossed and will have to see what happens. Meanwhile I do seem to be putting pen to paper on a daily basis. Anything from poetry to bits of stories that I may well cobble together at some point. I found a whole book full of poems nd song lyrics that I had written whilst I was at college. (attics are great arent they!!) It was quite an eye opener. Some is complete crap and rather embarrassing but others I'm quite proud of. You never know, I may crack it one day but until then you poor sods are stuck with my ramblings ha ha.

Busy busy busy

Wow, what a week. I've been juggling all my balls in the air this week I can tell you. It seems to be meetings city at the mo. Monday was a contract review for my fantastic childminder, Tues was a Wound management CPD meeting for VN's at Hadlow College and last night was an Assessors standards meeting also at Hadlow! Poor Mo (my car-blame Katie) has been up and down the M20 like a mad woman and it's my least favourite motorway on the planet. Today has been a home today with 2 supposedly love deprived children vying for my attention on a minut by minute basis and very loudly! Speaking of the small and sometimes irritating ones, Stefan walked un aided on Monday. Of course I was at work :( but he did take his first solo flight towards his sister so she was really chuffed. So let the games begin. Soon he will discover running, climbing, jumping and I will never have any peace! As it is I had to seperate the pair of them when he decided to bite a chunk out of Katie's shoulder. Ooops! It's not very much different to being at work you know!

It's so difficult you know juggling work and home. You try so hard at times to be the very best you can at both and often sacrafice your own sanity. Since having Stefan, guilt has featured quite highly into my life. It can be because I dont have as much time for Katie. I dont ride my horse enough, The house is suffering. I cant do an extra shift. I cant stay too late as need to collect the sproggs. I have no time with Paul. Getting the picture yet? Sorry if i'm harping on but I worked out that on the average week I spend only about 20 hours in Paul's company awake. That's not even a day!! Generally in some of that time he's either asleep on the sofa, I'm on here or going through nursing stuff, eating dinner or one of us is on the phone!!! No wonder some marriages dont work eh. People are putting all their time and energies into everybody and everything else. Bit of an eye opener eh, do your maths sometime and see how yours tallies up......

It's complicated

Well life never is easy is it? I begin to claw back some remnants of how my life used to be and start to feel again and now I'm feeling pretty abandoned!

I'm sure it's not intentional but life has a funny way of doing stuff like this to you. The person responsible for my new found enthusiasm for life has backed away quite suddenly for reasons i'm unsure of. I'm hoping I haven't said or done something to upset the equilibrium of our friendship but I am unable to clarify this as they seem to be avoiding talking at the moment. Naturally I'm quite upset and I'm currently re-playing previous conversations to check for mishaps on my part. Of course there is always the possiblity that I'm being un duly neurotic and there is no problem except for the doubt festering in my mind, but i'm generally quite astute and tuned in to people.

So here I am now. Disappointed that a day out appears to have been cancelled (not told in so many words but I'm not stupid!) but also concerned. It could be that they have found a new suitor and are concentrating all their energies in that direction. If this is the case then go for it, I'm really chuffed you deserve to be happier than anyone else I know. It could be that life is so tough at the moment that you cant possibly take time out but you feel bad about letting me down. Well you only needed to say and I would've understood. I always do. So if you're reading this and know who you are then please dont shut me out again. You'll always need your friends. I do xxxxxxxxx

Life update

Back again. This could be interesting, I'm trying to type here with Woody (cat) sprawled across my lap and left arm. Now I'm not the most efficient typist so I'm seriously handicapped here!!

Well I went for my Equine Touch course and it was fab, really enjoyed it. Blew my brain a bit and lots to remember but I feel I benefited hugely from it. Lets hope the boys agree!! I will always need guinea pigs too so may start groping friends for the practice. Butt shots is rumoured to be a fav....best test that one out eh!!

I took Beau with me on the course which was really nice. He had a mini spa break in complete luxury and I got to ride my boy there and back and to spend some quality time with him. I recommend it to anyone who loves their horse. Had to drag him away though, He always settles into Suzanne's very quickly! Back to reality now with a bump though!! xx

Catching up

Another busy week has gone by. I sometimes feel that life is constantly on the fast forward button, dont get chance to breathe. The christening went well. The children behaved really well and everyone seemed to have a good time. Some more than others I must say. Is it really correct to be THAT wasted on a sunday afernoon!!

I cant believe my boy is a year old! Doesn't seem that long ago I was pulling my hair out and wondering what I'd done. For those who dont know, Stefan wasn't the easiest baby. He seemed to scream louder and longer than any other child I know and has quite a quick temper. I truely felt I was failing as a mother as I tried in vain to juggle life and keep everybody happy. But we got here. He's still short tempered and has the loudest shout but is happier now he can get about and harrass his big sister!

Ive got my 3 day Equine Touch course as of tommorrow. Been really looking forward to it. It's massage techniques for horses and it's local so the best bit is that I can take Beau and spend some time with him too. I'll let you know how I get on.

Katie's just been given a proper guitar, she is so excited. Looks like mummy's going to have to brush up and teach her as Paul doesn't have the time. He's working so much lately.

Oh well best get back to work. dull dull dull!! bfn

turn down the lights
turn down the bed
turn down these voices inside my head

lay down with me
tell me no lies
just hold me close
dont patronise me
dont patronise me

i cant make you love me if you dont
You cant make your heart feel something that it wont
here in the dark
in these fine hours
I will lay down my heart, I'll feel the power
But you wont no you wont
and I cant make you love me if you dont................

working on it!

hey there, hope people are well? I never know if people dip into this and to be honest I'm not worried either way. I love to write and this is an ideal platform to exercise that pleasure and to get my feelings out there.



Well it's friday night. Paul is watching the Master's Golf on tv (yawn). I'm buggered if i'm going to join him when I can be chilling out here with the music on and lights turned low. I use the term watching very loosely though as I can hear the snoring from here. One day I may really question the older man choice!!



So what's been happening then you may ask. Well some things I'm not going to even disclose on here my darlings but life is following a strange path at the moment. I'd be lying if I said parts of it were dull as I recently had a fantastic night out with friends that to be honest made me wish I could turn back the clock and approach things differently. Now dont panic, I adore my children and feel lucky to be here with them but you know how it is, sometimes you just wish you'd been braver................



It's Stefan's birthday today. Wow 1 year gone already, how scary is that? We are doing the dutiful christening bit on Sunday and I think mum and I are hoping the church doesn't set alight when we cross the threshold!!! Dont get me wrong, everyone is allowed their own beliefs but it's not my bag. Bit of family PR going on here I think!



Families are strange though. I'm not a recluse but despite having lots of siblings ( 1 brother, 1 half brother and sister, 1 step brother and sister and Linda's 3 kids we dont keep in touch that much. Ricky has recently had some bad news re work and Andy is busy with his family and work and Julie, well she's in a dark place and I'm not sure what can save her. All I know is that I have 2 gorgeous nieces who I haven't seen in ages who are heading down the wrong path and I'm un able to save them.



Yes I know, lose the super hero hat Kelly but somethings never change I want to help the people I care about.



I've kinda spun out on a tangent tonight sorry. Lots of thoughts in my head and they are popping out willy nilly. Not entirely sure any of this is making an ounce of sense!! The one thing I really want to talk about is a bit too sensitive to discuss so I'll just have to sit on that one for a bit.

Back again

Well I'm home alone so have a little more time to do the things I want to do hurrah!! Had yet another busy weekend. Catching up on jobs and Katie had ANOTHER birthday party today and one of those joyous soft play places which are all a bit grim round the edges!! Couldn't believe the state of the things Stefan was playing with. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger dont they say!!

They have both been really good though this weekend except for the odd forgivable moment. I do wish that Stefan would just deal with stuff without the very loud protesting!!

I have decided to make an extreme effort to set aside some more quality time with them. Lately life has been so stupid and busy that I am always doing chores and am feeling that they are being neglected on the interaction stuff. Yes sure they need to accept that there are some things that mum has to do in the course of the day but if i can just schedule in just 1 hr set aside just for them I think we will all benefit. Katie has been my super dooper baby sitter on more than one occasion, time to reward that.

One thing for certain is that I dont want them looking back and saying 'mummy was always to busy to play with us'.

Atleast the nice weather is coming. Lots of free things to do out in the countryside!

old friends

I recently found a dear old friend and spent the day with him and his beautiful boys. We lost touch about 10 years ago. He was involved in a 'relationship' i could not understand and I was starting my first 'proper' job as a trainee nurse (yes I know I'm still there!). Time drifted on and I found it increasingly harder to make the move and contact him in fear of rebuke. So I left it, resigned to the fact that I had lost someone I truly cared about on many levels all due to my stubbornness and inability to accept the path he was walking.

I don't think I can really explain the relationship I had with this person. Sometimes you just connect with somebody so deeply that it can almost scare the pants off you. That is the depth of how I felt. However we never moved the friendship into anything more than that despite a mutual appreciation of one another. His was the house I escaped to when I was struggling, it was my bolthole. His parents would welcome me like a prodigal daughter and he would give up his bed for the sofa for as long as it took for me to re-charge and face the world. I clearly remember my last stay there. It wasn't so comfortable because his life was changing and the peace I'd always found had gone. I remember taking the dog for a walk in the fields at the end of his road and realising that I'd over stayed my welcome. He found me sitting on the wall out the front ready to go and I hugged him goodbye, jumped on JD and didn't look back. In some ways I felt energised and able to control my life but hand on heart I missed this person so much and rarely had a day gone by that I didn't think about him. Curious about his life.

So there I was out drinking and reminising one night with Tasha when she thrusts the phone at my ear and I hear a familiar voice. I could not believe it! Never was I more pleased to hear from somebody. We exchanged numbers and began chatting on and off from that point.

I was so upset to hear that his dad passed away and very shocked to hear that he had split with his partner. He was at a very low point in his life so I finally plucked up the courage to drive down.

Why so reserved you may say. Well 10 years, 2 kids etc does alot to a person and I'm vain enough to want to look good when seeing an old friend. Thankfully it was like the years had never been. We fell back into our easy pattern of banter, working together to entertain the 4 kids who all behaved like lifelong friends.

We are definately not leaving it so long next time. He's inspired me to write again and to glean pleasure from the things that have been lost to me of late. He also instantly noted a degree of sadness and challenged me to find my self and be true. Something I have certainly been struggling with.

I'm not sure if its politically right for me to say this but I love this person. Something I'm sure Paul would struggle to understand if He was ever to read this. But love comes in many guises and i'm damn sure I'm not going to lose him again to keep the peace.

Is there a moral to this? I guess for me I have realised that true friendship and love stays with you wherever you are and however hidden in the shadows. When you need them they will re-appear.

bloody hell

I've just written loads in a blog and it has all disappeared!!

hmmmmmm

well here I am again, not quite a regular but working on it! Not much has changed on the home front since my last post. Paul and I are currently pondering over the fact that the bank are pissed off with our overdrawn status yet have not helped matters ATALL by slapping nearly £350 worth of charges onto our account. Gee thanks, going to really improve things by doing that guys!! Had a real gut full of it I can tell you. Definately forgrtting what Paul look like these days and seeing more of my work colleagues than my kids which is a big no no.

Speaking of work, a really great person is leaving. I honestly dont know what the Practice will do with out her. I dont think they realise what they are losing. I love her honesty, her bluntness and her ability to stand up for herself and those who she decides have been wronged. It hasn't always made her popular but she doesn't let it faze her. I'm telling you, if you're at war, you want her on your side!!

I wish her all the very best and hope she knows I will miss her. She has so much to give and will do so well in the future.

Reality check

Wow, so much for keeping a regular diary, been quite crap already!! Life is manic at the moment. Our bank account is looking very sick so Paul and I are spending every minute working to keep our heads above the water. Needless to say that results in us spending no time together as a couple OR family and tempers are starting to fray. Starting to feel a little strung out to be honest and short tempered with everyone around me. Add to that a frustrated 11 month old child and bored 4 yr old and it's starting to get ugly!!

Does anyone else ever get the feeling that whatever they do it isn't ever gonna be enough? Maybe I'm expecting to much in return but I have no down time, there is always someone or some animal making demands and I wonder how much longer I can actually cope with the pressure!!
Foolishly I have been looking to re-train as an equine/canine physiotherapist ( it has always been my dream). I saw a medium recently and she indicated that this was a path I should follow. Full of enthusiasm I researched the subject only to find it would cost me £6000 and 15 hrs of private study! obviously I dont have that sort of cash (first hurdle!) but it was more the study time that had me faultering. I dont have that sort of free time and to make it happen I would need to sacrafice a great deal, as would everyone else in the family. So now I'm feeling decidely glum as I feel the moment has passed me by. Life wont get any less busy from now on in just different so I'll just tuck that dream back into bed, get my head down and keep on working..........................