Bank Holiday Monday

wow for the first time in absolutely ages we did family stuff today. Paul and I took the kids down to Broadstairs for the day. I haven't been down there for ages so it was nice to see it hasn't really changed. Also you have to admire us brits. It wasn't the warmest of starts to a day with a bit of wind, yet there they were with their shorts on and tops off playing beach volley, digging holes, SWIMMING(!!) and all having a great time. We enjoyed it too and all had the obligatory ice cream before popping in to see my nan and Stanley. I will def come down again. I love the sea. I always feel a bit drawn to it and love nothing better than walking along the front with the waves crashing. As you're starting to lose light is best as is at night when it's power seems to intensify. I love it, kind of like therapy for me. A sense of space and freedom I guess yet I'm not a great sailor and never wish to be! It dawned on me that if I'm low I take myself off to the waters edge. Maybe I need a beach house to retreat to! My own space! Wow the idea is really appealing....

whilst I'm pondering

I make no apologises for rambling but I wondered when a dream ceases to be just that and could potentially become a premonition? I've had the same dream now for the past 6 or so weeks. Not every night but most. I cant really say at this moment in time what it is but it does point towards a different life. I'm just curious to see what you think

difficult questions

I caught up with a friend yesterday who asked a rather interesting question. 'Can we be happy with just one person in our lives?' On further questionnning I worked out that she was actually talking about her relationship life and not the fact that she only had one friend ha ha! Anyway, I sat on it for a while and then concluded that it was un fair to expect one person (male) in this instance to fufill you in every way. Now dont get excited if you happen to be male and reading this, I'm not suggesting she embarks on swinging or numerous clandestine affairs! I did however say that without my friends to keep me balanced I would not be so easy to live with it.

Looking in to my own relationship with Paul I realised that although I love him very much he is not everything and more to me. Shock, horror, you must divorce I hear some people cry. No that is not the case. I have purely realised that he has flaws (as do we all) but deep down he cares for myself and the children and he works hard to provide for us. For me to sit there and wish he was more open, more demonstrative, more passionate, more loving is simply a waste of my time and energy and will only serve to drive a wedge between us. Contary to popular belief girls we cannot change them and nor should we try!!

So how do I deal with this and remain true to myself and my needs? Well I have a few people close to me who I love dearly and couldn't manage without. They all have slightly different roles to play yet all make me the person I am today. I am not judged by my actions nor ridiculed. They will hold me when I feel life is un bearable and they are there when I need them. In return I try and be that person in their lives and I understand when they need a shoulder or need the space to work out what they really need. True friends of that calibre can help you through your darkest days and should be kept close for you never know when you will need them.

My friend pondered this for a while and i hope went away feeling a bit better about what was troubling her. Our conversation also reminded me that there is always a reason why people are in your life and why events happen and you should never regret getting things out in the open even if you do feel like a fool. If they love you they will understand.........

and waiting

I seemed to disappear on a bit of a random tangent earlier so thought I'd have a double wammy as the house is silent and I feel the need to write. I'm not so patiently waiting to hear back from the editor of the equine magazine that I deliver monthly. I decided that I really wanted to try and get myself back in print a bit more so I wrote an article all about my Shetland pony Alfie-Moon. I'm hoping they didn't all have a good giggle and then file in the bin as the old confidence needs restoring bit before I suffer too many knocks. So I have everything crossed and will have to see what happens. Meanwhile I do seem to be putting pen to paper on a daily basis. Anything from poetry to bits of stories that I may well cobble together at some point. I found a whole book full of poems nd song lyrics that I had written whilst I was at college. (attics are great arent they!!) It was quite an eye opener. Some is complete crap and rather embarrassing but others I'm quite proud of. You never know, I may crack it one day but until then you poor sods are stuck with my ramblings ha ha.

Busy busy busy

Wow, what a week. I've been juggling all my balls in the air this week I can tell you. It seems to be meetings city at the mo. Monday was a contract review for my fantastic childminder, Tues was a Wound management CPD meeting for VN's at Hadlow College and last night was an Assessors standards meeting also at Hadlow! Poor Mo (my car-blame Katie) has been up and down the M20 like a mad woman and it's my least favourite motorway on the planet. Today has been a home today with 2 supposedly love deprived children vying for my attention on a minut by minute basis and very loudly! Speaking of the small and sometimes irritating ones, Stefan walked un aided on Monday. Of course I was at work :( but he did take his first solo flight towards his sister so she was really chuffed. So let the games begin. Soon he will discover running, climbing, jumping and I will never have any peace! As it is I had to seperate the pair of them when he decided to bite a chunk out of Katie's shoulder. Ooops! It's not very much different to being at work you know!

It's so difficult you know juggling work and home. You try so hard at times to be the very best you can at both and often sacrafice your own sanity. Since having Stefan, guilt has featured quite highly into my life. It can be because I dont have as much time for Katie. I dont ride my horse enough, The house is suffering. I cant do an extra shift. I cant stay too late as need to collect the sproggs. I have no time with Paul. Getting the picture yet? Sorry if i'm harping on but I worked out that on the average week I spend only about 20 hours in Paul's company awake. That's not even a day!! Generally in some of that time he's either asleep on the sofa, I'm on here or going through nursing stuff, eating dinner or one of us is on the phone!!! No wonder some marriages dont work eh. People are putting all their time and energies into everybody and everything else. Bit of an eye opener eh, do your maths sometime and see how yours tallies up......

It's complicated

Well life never is easy is it? I begin to claw back some remnants of how my life used to be and start to feel again and now I'm feeling pretty abandoned!

I'm sure it's not intentional but life has a funny way of doing stuff like this to you. The person responsible for my new found enthusiasm for life has backed away quite suddenly for reasons i'm unsure of. I'm hoping I haven't said or done something to upset the equilibrium of our friendship but I am unable to clarify this as they seem to be avoiding talking at the moment. Naturally I'm quite upset and I'm currently re-playing previous conversations to check for mishaps on my part. Of course there is always the possiblity that I'm being un duly neurotic and there is no problem except for the doubt festering in my mind, but i'm generally quite astute and tuned in to people.

So here I am now. Disappointed that a day out appears to have been cancelled (not told in so many words but I'm not stupid!) but also concerned. It could be that they have found a new suitor and are concentrating all their energies in that direction. If this is the case then go for it, I'm really chuffed you deserve to be happier than anyone else I know. It could be that life is so tough at the moment that you cant possibly take time out but you feel bad about letting me down. Well you only needed to say and I would've understood. I always do. So if you're reading this and know who you are then please dont shut me out again. You'll always need your friends. I do xxxxxxxxx